I have not written in a while. Like a LONG while. I got swept up in life. The never ending circular patterning of keeping going. I have so many thoughts, so many feelings. Never enough time to write them here. I have time, don’t get me wrong but I realized I have to be in the proper “head space” to be able to write here. I can’t write here cuz I have to write another blog post today. So things happen. I think about them, and want to write about them then oh look I have 17 drafts and no completions on my site.
Another reason I have not written here is because I started a closed facebook group for all my “supermom” friends with kids who have needs. It was just easier. I’m sure many of you understand that right? You just sometimes wanna talk to the people that “get” it. The parents you don’t have to explain the difference between a 504 plan and an IEP. You wanna talk to the ones who see your life, the REAL life, the ins and outs of the day to day. The people who know what brand of chicken nuggets to keep on hand in case your son comes to “hang out.”
So that is why I have not written here. I’m pretty darned sure there is not a single person who cares that I have not written here. I’m also pretty sure I’m just emptying my brain here but this brain has been holding on to so much for so long it needs a good dumping so sorry ’bout it… HERE IT GOES:
It sucked so hard I had forgotten just how hard it COULD suck.
That’s the good news, right? That it has been SO LONG since my boy had a full blown paint off the bus MELTDOWN that I had forgotten just HOW BADLY they SUCK.
It sucked HARD.
So here is where we are. Steve has turned 11. Steve has a YouTube account for his video game play and he has 400+ subscribers. Some of his videos have been seen over 17K times. SAY WHAT NOW? (pvzfan 24 if you wanna check him out on youtube).
Steve is also transitioning from elementary to middle school. The transition is going well. I really can’t complain until yesterday. Even then, I can’t complain.. I mean my child has autism, meltdowns are going to happen. It is just part of the package. But this one was unlike any other. This time, he refused to talk to me on the phone. In the past, he would always at least hold the phone up to his ear and I could talk softly. I could tell him its okay buddy, I’m coming soon. Take a deep breath. Grab hold of something. Hold it as tight as you can until I get there. Stay put, don’t run off. I’m on my way. Deep hugs are coming and most importantly…. I LOVE YOU.
This time…. all I heard from the yelling in the background was “I DON’T ‘bleep’-ING WANNA TALK TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
So I ran.
You don’t know me so you don’t know that I am not a healthy weight. You don’t know how hard it is for me to move. You also have never seen me move as fast as I did yesterday. My boy needed me. This was uncharted territory. THIS WAS BAD.
We are at a new school, he didn’t know where was his “safe place” to go.
We are in a new daycare, they didn’t know what he was going to do.
There are all new daycare workers since we’re in a new daycare, he didn’t know who he could trust.
There are all new kids, none of which knew or understood what was happening nor could help.
IT WAS BAD. ALL BAD.
Meltdowns are hard. Meltdowns in new environments, with new support people trying to help but not knowing how, and new kids staring at you like you are a freak, is excruciating.
So yeah… YESTERDAY WAS HARD.
So… now what. Right, “Today is a new day.” “Look how far he’s come.” “Wow, aren’t you glad those don’t happen every day anymore.” “So, you’re good, right? He’s good, you’re good?”
Ummmmmm Yeah… NO. NO, I AM NOT GOOD.
I am an utter mess. I couldn’t sleep last night. I couldn’t cry cuz my daughter and I now share a room and I can’t let her see me lose it. This is gut-wrenching to hear your child in so much pain and being a 20 minute drive away. To have to start over and explain moment by moment what you’re doing and why your doing it so the daycare staff can learn a new trick or two. Am I telling them enough, am I telling them too much.I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m the only one who knows what to do. I thought we were passed this. Are we ever going to be past this?and on… and on… an on.
Today… I am tired.
Steve, Steve is fine. He just called me after school to tell me what a GREAT day he had. He and his buddy got into a fight and the other kid kicked him.
Well okay then, glad it was a “GREAT DAY” lil man.