Why Do I Have So Much Anger?

I came to a realization yesterday that I am just filled with so much anger. Why? I really have no reason to be angry. Even those silly little things that have me feeling angry really do not deserve anger. For example, yesterday, I was told something I didn’t want to hear. My gut reaction was ANGER. Thankfully I realized it, so I told the person on the phone that “I had better go right now before I say something I am going to regret.” This had EVERYTHING to do with me acknowledging my emotions and taking stock of them. For me, this is a VERY giant leap in personal growth. Strangely, the other person wouldn’t say goodbye and hung up. That too just made me more angry.

So, why is it that ANGER is my go to emotion? How can I remove the anger to find room for the happiness, gratefulness, and joy? This is my goal for 2017. I mean yeah, of course, I wanna lose weight, and get healthier and blah blah blah just like everyone else… but this year I am going to be about actual TANGIBLE CHANGE. 

This year, I am going to try and open my heart and let the anger out to make room for some other emotions in my life. 

For me, I believe it all starts with gratitude. I am going to open my eyes and try to be grateful for the smallest of things and say THANK YOU. Thank you for getting me through that light and to work on time. Thank you for allowing me to feel that emotion. Thank you for the air in which I breathe. 

(don’t worry… I WILL come back to the topic of why my personal faithful growth bothers other people so much… but I simply do not have time to attack that concept right now). 

~me

 

Bad Parent? 

I know we are not supposed to judge our peers. We are not supposed to call others out on their faults. We are supposed to love God and one another. I know I believe that is the way to be closer to God. I believe in God. I believe he sent us his son to teach us, love us, forgive us. I know. Yet today, I sit here incredibly grateful for all I have in life, however,  I am angry at a bad parent. 

This parent on a regular basis puts the needs for himself, before his children. He regularly neglects to pay for basic needs such as doctor visits and is perfectly content in sending a such child off to be cared for by another parent because he doesn’t want to cancel the plans he already made. This parent chooses to spend money on frivolous things instead of on his responsibilities for his children. This parent rarely goes to parent meetings at school. This parent relys on other people to pay for repairs to his house instead of living within his means. This parent relys on others to give out information about school needs instead of taking a proactive role in his children’s education. This parent states that he can’t take a day off from work when children need tending to for illness or when school is out and daycare is closed but always seems to have enough PTO for things like Comic-con, Disneyland, and extra days around holidays when children are not there. This parent doesn’t prepare any meals at home and therefore rarely serves his children any fruit or vegetables. Almost never gives his children their daily medication when they are with him. This parent allows his child to dictate when and where they will eat or even IF. This parent thinks nothing of letting his child get soaking wet at night then walking them around in 50 degree weather outside for hours, while he shops. This parent believes it is perfectly okay to feed his child Doritos and churros as a meal for an entire day. This parent even after agreeing to plans says yeah well my child doesn’t want to do that so here, you can have him back.

At what point am I allowed to judge a parent like the one listed above? If it is a stranger, am I allowed to have feelings about this person? If it is one of my child’s friends parent? What about then? What if it is my child’s  other parent? What if the children in the story I am talking about are MY children? 

Well, the laws now state I am not allowed to judge him. Only a judge can do that and every parent deserves a chance to parent, even if they are bad at it. I mean com’mon, how bad can he be right? He’s not making crystal meth in his garage. Cut the guy a break, right?

What about moral court? If those are my children do I get to judge him morally for being a bad parent? But is he, really? Again, he’s not tying them up in the basement in a cage like those people on the news, so he’s okay. Right?

While I try not to judge there are times when the negatives just stack to tall and you have to do something, say something. 

I have worked VERY hard, VERY hard at keeping the peace with my ex-husband for our children’s sake but this list you read above, this is just the top of the iceberg when it comes to him. Add on top of that all the judgement I get from him about my choices for their extra curricular activities, education, behavior and friends all the while he refuses to take an active role in helping guide these areas. For my children so they can be in a room with BOTH parents at the same time without fear or hesitation of what “might” happen, I bite my tongue. I bite my  tongue a LOT. 

Today though, today I couldn’t. I judged him. During this week when I had been asked to celebrate the holidays differently. To be grateful of all the wonderful blessings we have right in front of us.  Well today I am grateful my children have ME. Today, I told him so. I went there without the kids and I talked to him. I asked him, HOW? How can you be like this with your kids? I don’t understand. Help me understand. He couldn’t. I knew he couldn’t. He is incapable of it. Yet, I did it anyway. I was not surprised by his response. I wasn’t even angry anymore when he looked at me not understanding what was wrong with what he did, leaving a freezing soaking wet child out in the cold like that having not eaten more than some chips and a churro all day. He didn’t even understand what was wrong with the fact that the cold wet tired hungry child had to call his mom to come find them where they were and beg me to take him home even though that wasn’t the plan for a multitude of reasons. He simply had no clue. That, that right there, that’s what makes him a bad parent. He doesn’t even TRY! 

So, yes, I have judged and I am trying not to beat myself up over that choice. I am trying to choose forgiveness, but sometimes, that choice seems like too high a price to pay for the safety and well being of my children. 

So today, we spent the day together, my children and I. They had a warm home, good well made food on the table. We sat down and watched a movie together we had wanted to see in the theatre, but there wasn’t money for. We popped some popcorn and enjoyed the show, in our jammies at home. We picked up our home together, we prepped food together preparing for our friends to come over tomorrow to celebrate the Thanksgiving feast. 

This year we are closing in ranks and I did not invite their father. After all that I listed above I just can’t. He can have his time with them on his time, in his home, not mine. I’m still too angry that he is such a bad parent. Even then, he won’t understand why his daughter will text the whole time she wants to come home. He won’t see all his son wants to do is lock himself in his room and play video games until he gets home. But the law says, he gets his “time.”

Siiiggghhhh. 

I am grateful tonight that my children call this place, HOME

~me

Decisions Decisions 

I am really not a fan of this. We had to do this once before and the anxiety that accompanies it is unreal. 

I have to decide which middle school to push for next year. 

So many facets and factions to think about. So many outcomes to think about and none can tell the future. 

Every choice causes a ripple down line, down the path of his future.  

I hate to say it but I  wish he was worse. Not worse, that’s the wrong word…. I wish it was more clear. 

I wish his challenges and disabilities were so clear that you could just look and see… Oh yeah, his least restrictive environment is clearly, right here! 

But that is NOT the card I was dealt. I am trying to take MY issues out of it. My hopes(not having to drive to two schools every morning) , wants (wanting his big sister to show hi the”ropes” at school. Warning him about this teacher,that table),  and dreams (that someday he will be in gen Ed with no issues applying to the top colleges in the country, just like his peers).

This is about him. Push to hard and he will crash and regression could equal failure. 

Don’t push him enough and he may ever find the potential that is in there.  He could fail. 

But how much is too much –the grey. I have never lived well in the grey. I don’t do well under grey skies. I look terrible in grey clothes. I could never pull off grey hair. Grey and I are NOT friends. And then you realize, even the grey can’t decide on grey. Light grey, dark grey. Who knew there were so damned many shades of grey!!!!!

So here I sit, for the moment, paralyzed with fear. 

I don’t know the answer. 

Just one more thing I need to pray upon. Just guide my way Father. Guide my way.  You gave me this wonderful child for a reason… Please light the way. 

~me

Uggghhh

Ssooooooo so many things to blog about and soooooooo little time to do so. 

Maddening that I can’t get the time to bust some of this stuff out of my head. I just need a week (preferably in a tropical island location with a Mai tai in hand and a cabana boy named Carlos….but I digress) to spill all these thoughts out. 

You know, kinda like Dumbledore and the penseive???? Man that would be awesome! 

Someday

~me

Bigger Life Teaching Moments

So…. I have to tell you about the conversation about politics Steve and I got into this morning in the car. it started when he started calling the presidential candidate DT names, I think it was something like… he’s a stupid asshole who makes fun of people.  WOW… Umm…. Lets talk about this buddy!

It gave us a chance to have a discussion about how being kind to people is important even if they do not see things the same way we do, or would like them to. BIGGER LIFE TEACHING MOMENT, I kept telling myself while breathing deep cleansing breaths.

During the conversation, it twisted and turned as it often does with someone on the spectrum and we got onto the topic about race… I said to Steve… you DO know that there are people out there who do not like other people simply because they are black, right? His answer: No mommy, that was a LONG time ago. That’s over.

God Bless him… but yeah NO BUD, that’s still happening today.

Then I told him… there are people who absolutely will NOT vote for Hillary simply because she is a WOMAN.

MOM, now you are just LYING.

Then I said… there are police officers shooting black people,  there are black people shooting police officers, there are terrorists from other countries killing Americans and there are American’s hurting people here and in other countries just because they can’t see life from the other’s perspective.

WHOOOOOAAAAA mom… you just gotta stop. JUST STOP MOM. JUST STOP!

**mind**blown**  

Then I reminded him just before he got out of the car… just remember bug, KINDNESS COSTS NOTHING… be kind to everyone including those who disagree with you. Kindness costs nothing. I will say these three words until I am blue in the face… KINDNESS…. COSTS… NOTHING!

Now, I sit… and wonder…….. how long before I get an email from a teacher about the lessons HE taught everyone at school today.

Just now, I checked the behavior tracking app….  it is 2:34 and he has 100% at school today.

Empathy

Last night my son and I decided we should go spend some time with his puppy at his dad’s house. The puppy had been home most of the day alone for a multitude of reasons that don’t matter to the story. So off Steve and I went for yet another meal out this week to have dinner with the pup. 

The pup while playing outside must have either eaten or got bit be a bee and she started swelling up. While I was starting to kind of freak out a bit realizing that I am going to have to 1) find an emergency vet 2) take Steve with me and 3) his Dad has no chance in hell of helping in anyway since he is at the UCLA game with our daughter. 

At first Steve had trouble helping me. The puppy DID look “creepy weird” as he said. She did. Period. But I guess my sense of urgency got through and he snapped into “do what mom needs mode.” Did he go anywhere near the dog, no. Was I able to rant out commands and have him follow along, yes! 

Steve, put on your shoes. Steve, grab my purse. Steve, lock the door. Steve, unlock the car. Steve, buckle up and hold her tight. 

Once at the doctor he leans over and kisses his puppy as they are about to take her back. “I love you puppy,” he says. 

While waiting, he realizes the UCLA game is on the TV. He connects. He knows his dad is THERE. He knows he can’t be here, if he is THERE. He calms more staring at the screen. 

When he asks if he can use my phone to play, I had to say no. Something I NEVER would have even thought of doing even a year ago in a situation such as this. My battery was at 23 % I needed to save it for the moment I could reach his dad. I said No. He said ok,turned and stared at the game on TV. 

Another dog soon came out and was slowly meandering his way around the waiting room. A pug who may as well had been a baby pig, so short compact and round. Steve starts to run over. About to stop him, Steve stopped himself and looked up at the owner and said, “I am sure he is sick or he wouldn’t be here, would it be ok if I pet him?” Wait… Whaaaaaaaat? Is that…. EMPATHY????

Steve sat and played with the dog, Pumpkin. Never taking my eyes off him standing over him for the split second thought of a mean move… Steve just kindly, gently rubbed Pumpkins back. Then I hear Steve, so why is he here? Our dog, well my dog and my sisters dog, this is my mom but she doesn’t live at dads house anymore so it’s really OUR dog but mom helps out with her sometimes….. I just dropped into the chair, yep….that’s my Steve. 

In came another dog after Pumpkins departure and again I hear, I know he’s not well or he wouldn’t be here do you know why MY dog is here….and another, and another and another. 

We were there for a couple of hours time and  time again, Steve floored me.  Always supportive to the animal. Always kind to the owner, asking permission before petting. Always wondering and asking if his puppy is okay. 

So… Whoever says autistic people have no empathy… They can kiss my ass!!!

My little man was one of the kindest most empathetic and supportive people in the world last night, especially to his incredibly scared mother. 

~me

I am PUSHY

Yesterday a break down happened at Steve’s daycare. Well, was it REALLY yesterday or has it been going on non-stop since he was 6 years old and I just found the time and the strength, knowledge and vocabulary to discuss it? 

We have worked very hard with Steve over the years. Pushing him to do things he didn’t want to do. Pushing him to do things he didn’t think he would like to do. Pushing him out of his comfort zone… time and time again. Everything from trying to use a cup instead of a bottle to playing soccer among his peers. You name it, we’ve tried it. 

IT IS NOT ALWAYS RAINBOWS AND UNICORNS PEOPLE. 

But we try. 

You see, we try these things to prepare Steve for the real world. Like it or not, I will not always be here for him. I can’t tell the future so as I do with my neurotypical child, I prepare him the best I can to be the best that HE can be. Do I know what that looks like? No. Do I know what occupation he will be attempting? No. Do I care? NO!  So… I push. 

I AM PUSHY.

So… clearly you say, there must be a point to this. Yes. I have pushed my kid to be inclusive. To NOT stay in the shadows. To not play alone under the bleachers by my feet but to play in the park where all the other kids are. To get out there and run on the soccer field with his peers, even if he isn’t always in the exact right position all the time. To be a PART of society. To find that there is something out there bigger than just ourselves. Join in, and most importantly, do not be afraid to try new things. Sometimes it works out (the California Screaming Roller Coaster at California Adventure park in California)  and some times it may not (taking a bite of calamari – I get it bud… I think its nasty too). 

So yesterday while in daycare, the daycare woman said to Steve, “look, sometimes when people see other people struggling they like to kick them harder. It a bummer, so just come in with a smile on your face and just go off to be alone if you need to, but never let them see you upset,” I LOST IT. 

I’m sorry, I said… did you just tell him to exclude himself from the rest of the daycare? How about you instead talk to the rest of your class, how about you talk to them about not making fun of people who are different than them. How about you talk to them about INCLUSIVENESS instead of expecting my son to just “deal” with being excluded. How about you teach them that KINDNESS COSTS NOTHING but being rude to a classmate because he may have more sensitivities than you is wrong.  Yes Steve, we can go HOME now. 

8 months… we have 8 months left with this provider before Steve moves up to middle school (which in and of itself is already about to kill me). 

INCLUSIVENESS!

Please teach inclusiveness – whether it be the color of your skin, your neurobiology, your love for one kind of person for another, your hair color, or height for example. 

 

KINDNESS COSTS NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~me