It has been a month. One month today in fact. It feels like a year. I am still having an incredibly hard time dealing with the fact that George Michael is dead. I have JUST been able to start listening to his music again. I say start but honestly, I can’t stop. I have pulled out every single, every B side. I am amazed. 

I am amazed at just HOW MUCH George Michael has infiltrated my life. I mean it is no surprise that I am a fan. I have always been a fan. From the first time I ever heard Young Guns on KROQ FM here in Los Angeles in 1983. What I wasn’t ready to acknowledge is just how much he got into my HEAD. How decisions I’ve made I can look back now and realized I chose this path or that path based on one of George’s songs. Yeah… WOW. 

As I listen to these songs, I am astounded at just how much I know. Song’s I have not heard for 20+ years….. I still remember every word. I still remember every move of every music video. Every dance break hits me as if I never left the dance floor and I am 18/19 all over again. 

I am not only talking about the hits we all know and love like young guns, wham rap, careless whisper, wake me up before you go go, faith, i want your sex to just name a literal few. But I am talking about the obscure B sides. Every word flooding my memories, my heart. 

I can remember riding my bike around our favorite summer vacation spot in San Diego believing I was AT Club Tropicana. I can remember looking out at sunny LA in the morning thinking “ Sometimes,You wake up in the morning with the bass line,A Ray of Sunshine,Sometimes,You know today you’re gonna have a good time,And you’re ready to go. I will never forget being mad at a friend and thinking, “You don’t know how much I hate that answer phone.Are you standing there?But – you won’t pick up the ‘phone. Why lie to my face? When you can buy a tape machine to give me bullshit, in your face. I loved it when George told me it was okay to tell people to F off!

One song that literally hit me deep was A Different Corner. I am adopted. I think about this all the time about how if my mother had turned a different corner we never would have met. The whole sliding doors theory toward life is a part of me. George, put that into words for me. Even to this day….. this song haunts my heart. And if all that there is. Is this fear of being used. I should go back to being lonely and confused. If I could I would. I swear. Did I create a self fulfilling prophecy? Because here I am… lonely and confused. Did I know, did I know I’d end up in this place all along?

Where did your heart go? Edge of Heaven… all of them haunting me… haunting HIM. Looking back now, I can feel his pain. I can feel his fear. He was so brave to let us all in. Never giving up his faith that it would all be okay in the end. It is exactly how I have felt my entire life. 

The faith album broke and honestly, at just the right time for me. I was a young woman trying to find myself. I think this album more than ever helped define me. Just like it allowed George to finally open up and start being himself, I too started coming out of my shell. To say, I want your sex changed my life, well that’s just a crazy assed understatement. 

Every song on the faith album struck a chord with me, struck a chord WITHIN me. I can not even state how every single song means something to me DEEP in my soul. I have my monkey’s. I’ve had my fast loves. I’ve asked for one more try and man have I had hard days. Can we please not talk about kissing fools? Listen to me please, without prejudice, but know that I could continue this for days. 

I will end with a public declaration to George himself….

George, the skill in which you wield a pen is truly and extension of the gift God handed you directly. Your struggles with finding yourself, fighting depression, have been mine. You’ve taken missteps but I’ve always had your back. Listening to every single song you have ever written, I know you also have always had mine. But here I am now… alone. I will try to forge forward without your guidance. I will look back from time to time, as I am doing now, and realize you have already written all I’ve needed to hear. Isn’t it AMAZING. I thank the good Lord for bringing you into my life. I am so grateful for the gift he gave you and the gifts you have given the world. 

I will miss you EVERY day for the rest of my life. I will live by your symbols for my life: Faith, Music, Money, Unity, Love.   FOREVER!