I care

It makes me sad when my kids think I don’t care. If they only knew just how much I care. 

At first when he says “you don’t care about me, about MY problems” it hurts so much I want to scream. 

But then I listen… what does he really mean, what is he TRYING to say, really? 

So I take a walk. I come back. I take a breath. Then I ask, “can we talk?” Then….. I listen. 

What he is saying is: I am struggling and you don’t see just how much. School is hard for me, harder than for others. I feel lost, I need you there, I feel alone. 

He is saying, screaming really: Mommy, I need help! 

So, tomorrow we try again. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow, we talk again. Why? Because just a few short years ago, he couldn’t speak. He couldn’t yell at me. He couldn’t tell me “I don’t want to fail 5th grade.”

So, we don’t give up. We try harder, we care more. We listen HARDER! 

Today was hard. Tomorrow, we try again. 

WE try again. 

~me

Why Do I Have So Much Anger?

I came to a realization yesterday that I am just filled with so much anger. Why? I really have no reason to be angry. Even those silly little things that have me feeling angry really do not deserve anger. For example, yesterday, I was told something I didn’t want to hear. My gut reaction was ANGER. Thankfully I realized it, so I told the person on the phone that “I had better go right now before I say something I am going to regret.” This had EVERYTHING to do with me acknowledging my emotions and taking stock of them. For me, this is a VERY giant leap in personal growth. Strangely, the other person wouldn’t say goodbye and hung up. That too just made me more angry.

So, why is it that ANGER is my go to emotion? How can I remove the anger to find room for the happiness, gratefulness, and joy? This is my goal for 2017. I mean yeah, of course, I wanna lose weight, and get healthier and blah blah blah just like everyone else… but this year I am going to be about actual TANGIBLE CHANGE. 

This year, I am going to try and open my heart and let the anger out to make room for some other emotions in my life. 

For me, I believe it all starts with gratitude. I am going to open my eyes and try to be grateful for the smallest of things and say THANK YOU. Thank you for getting me through that light and to work on time. Thank you for allowing me to feel that emotion. Thank you for the air in which I breathe. 

(don’t worry… I WILL come back to the topic of why my personal faithful growth bothers other people so much… but I simply do not have time to attack that concept right now). 

~me