Struggling

I have been struggling lately. I am not sure if it is any one thing or a whole mess of a lot of things but the world is getting to me. The big great wide world and my little intense mini world in my home. I don’t even know where to start it is so dark and daunting. This happens to many people from time to time. I get that. Take one step at a time, I’ve been told. Yet, here I am sitting in a very dark space, struggling. I am frightened, I am tired, I am hungry (and not even for food), I am a mom. 

I often wonder if someone had shown me what life would be like if I would have made different choices. Honestly, I knew… I knew the choices in my life were the wrong ones and I did it anyway. So here I am now trying to do better, to make better choices. Right now, I am failing miserably. It is a dark cold space I am in but I also know my faith will get me through, somehow. I know this too shall pass. I know it may be years before it passes. I know I need to be strong. I know my kids need me to be strong. I know I need me to be strong. 

Today though… today, I am not strong and that is going to have to be ok. 

 

~me

He’s mad

So my son is mad at me tonight. “Get out of my room, Mom. I am not talking to you and I don’t want you to tuck me in.”

And you know what, it is hard. It is hard doing the right thing. In honesty, I am happy he said this to me. Being that when he was 2 and a half they told me he would never be able to put the sounds together in order for him to say I love you. However, I still have to do the right thing, this is what is hard. 

You see, my son has autism. His moods fluctuate sometimes a number of times so high you just stop counting. Other days his moods can stick for days. This weekend, this was a hard one. Moods changing hourly if not more so. But again, it is hard. It is hard because I have been doing the right thing. 

Well, sort of. 

I have set boundaries, but then I get busy he is sneaky, breaks the rules and it takes me too long to catch him so he has gotten away with it for too long then it becomes impossible to recover. 

Yeah, that. I brought this one on myself. 

So. This weekend I was the greatest mother in the world when I let him play the drums and buy a bongo at our local guitar center, but then the worst mother ever when he hadn’t earned his TV time and he was “bored!” Both incidents occurred within 1 hour of time. 

It is exhausting. I am often exhausted. Sometimes for my own sanity I need to let him get “away with it,” but then trying to transition off what he has gotten away with brings on the tantrum like meltdown and I’m now not allowed to tuck him in and kiss him good night. 

Siiiiiggghhhhh

So here I am taking yet another deep breath and wondering how I can adjust the reward chart yet again wondering, will he ever just know what he is doing is wrong? Or am I going to have to lock things up away from him forever until he earns them? 

It’s hard. He’s mad. Me too. 

~me