I didn’t start this blog to show off my amazing “prose.” I started this blog to do something I have never been really good at, no matter how many people believe the contrary, to get out all my locked up feelings inside.
I have realized lately that I lock way to many things up inside. I shut my mouth because, as my mother taught me, if i don’t have something nice to say it is best to say nothing at all. I no longer believe that to be true.
As of late, some people have commented on my “face.” I am being asked, “What is wrong?” “Are you okay?” “You look like you have something on your mind.” Truth of the matter, there are too many things to list. I have too many things on my mind that have lived locked up for far too long. Things, I’ve thought but never said. Things I’ve worried and wondered about with no one to share the thoughts with. For me, I have yet to find that ONE person who I can share my inner most self with. I thought I had found him once, but alas, it was not meant to be, apparently. So, until I do, I find myself full, full of things not worthy of public consumption. However, this blog, it has given me a way to let out a little steam so the pressure cooker doesn’t explode.
These past two weeks I have been VERY quite on this blog. There was simply to much happening TOOOOOOO fast for me to process. I sit here now, with some time to kill and feeling the cap giggling, I have to get some steam out.
While contemplating if it is time to push my little man further, harder and cut back his ABA hours…. life took it upon itself to decide for me. THAT PISSES ME OFF! My insurance has now told me that they will not cover ANY hours for my son to have an aide in Summer Camp. They tell me this the day before camp starts. Apparently, insurance doesn’t cover summer camp. Ironically in my previous post about Steve’s travels, as luck, LUCK-DUMB-LUCK has struck again. As it turns out, the insurance company was never supposed to be approving services at summer camp. Lets forget for a moment, that when they STARTED services he was in summer camp, melting down several times a day with ZERO impulse control. They turned me onto the agency we used for ABA who turned around and got us an interventionist within a few days. Yet again, irony plays a part. The woman in charge of approving insurance claims for service went to college with the Director of our ABA service provider. Win-Win for everyone.
I know, that had too many “inside baseball” references. Just know the bottom line is, Steve, he has gotten intensive ABA services, 40 hours a week, all summer for the past 2 summers – a fact that I believe is WHY Steve is as advanced as he is. And now…. Steve gets NOTHING. Just like that NOTHING. I am beyond frustrated at the moment and this blog helps me vent that frustration.
The other side to this coin… I need to presume competence. My son has worked his butt off on correcting bad behaviors. He has learned so many things. He’s even starting to make new friends. While I’m frustrated at the way it was handled, I have to believe, that all the hard work once again, is leading to this… this moment when we see if everything we’ve worked on, STICKS.
I don’t even know where to start with the emotions that have been flowing through me these past two weeks. I cried when I heard the school bell one morning. I woke up crying at 2am with flashes of all the events of the past six years. She starts to sing, I start to cry. The faucet turns on and I have no way of turning it off. I never know when it is going to hit, I never know when it will stop. I’ve been told, “stop crying, you look like am idiot.” “Get over it, not like you can stop her from growing up.” “Wow, you’re crazy overly emotional aren’t you?” Those are just a few things that have been said to me personally. I can only imagine the things that have been said behind my back. I will say this…. you know what people… YES… about this…at this moment… I really AM, I’m proud as SHIT about it. Proud I let my emotions out. Proud that I am showing my daughter that it is okay to be true to yourself. When you FEEL something, allow yourself to FEEL IT. To those who want to judge my sentimentality, maybe you never thought that my daughter is the first blood relative I’ve ever had in my life. Maybe you never thought that for YEARS, I was told she would never exist. That I was never going to be able to have a child. To those who want to judge my sentimentality maybe never thought that my daughter has struggled with so much over these past 6 years. Being the big sister of a special needs brother is NOT easy. You don’t know, unless you’ve been one. He used to beat the crap out of her, hourly, daily. He got ALL the attention because it was necessary to protect him and all those around him, including her. She struggled with her reading, her math, her science, her attention, her focus, her confidence, her emotions. She tried to be the stoic big sister/ mama to her baby brother as her parents went through a divorce that wasn’t always easy despite our best efforts. “Come here Zac, you can sleep in my bed tonight,” I heard her say. She’s struggled through holding in all her emotions to the point of making her self sick and being admitted into the hospital for 3 days with sever stomach pains, enduring test after test. She’s struggled with feeling like the dumbest kid not in her class, in her entire school. Thanks to some amazing teachers at this elementary school we are about to leave, she got help she needed. She got smaller class size for her hardest courses. She got accommodations for the tests that send her into a tailspin over stress. She got support. She got diagnosed. She got medication, she got help. She and I worked very hard on all of this to the point that every single day we had check in meetings, we went over check lists, we went over game plans for the day, and the next. We went over homework every single day. How, where, when would she have time to do what work and still be able to do the things she loves like Tech Crew and gymnastics. She worked her ARSE off. She worked so hard she overcame those terrible feelings of inadequacy and she earned a scholastic achievement award for Enormous Effort. Each project came back with better and better grades. Even some 100%’s on some of the HARDEST projects I can remember ever seeing. Each report card this year, her final year at this school have been better than the last. By FAR the best report cards she has ever gotten. So… go ahead, those who must judge, tell me again that I’m being overly sentimental at the accomplishments my daughter has made in her SIX YEARS at this school! No, my child DIDN’T get a Presidential Seal award. By my God did she win the award of my heart.
My tears are not of sadness. My tears are of immense PRIDE and JOY. Brooklyn has overcome so very much in her short little time span on Earth. Now… I am not going to say that a few of the tears are not coming from fear. Fear that she will have the same experiences I had in middle school. Fear that some boy is going to break her heart into 800 million more pieces than the first one did this year. Fear that I am not going to get as much Brooklyn-Time as I have in the past. Some of the tears are most definitely coming from excitement for her future. I have seen what my daughter can do when she puts her mind to something and I am telling you, the sky is the limit for this girl. My Girl. And I can not WAIT to see what she does next!!!!
This blog is helping me feel. I don’t think many people actually read it… but that is okay. This blog is really for ME. Thank you though, to anyone who does, read my ramblings on a regular basis. May you find something in here that can help you too.
Love and understanding to the world. Maybe if we can all just judge a little less, it will all be worth it in the end.
image is of a heart. It truly is ALL about LOVE.