I am going to admit I am struggling this holiday season. I don’t know why I just know it to be true. Something is happening within me and the turmoil is real.
I hate my life!
Yes. You read that right! Please don’t come to me if you read this and try and tell me all the reasons my life is so awesome.
This is not the life I wanted. This is not the life I dreamt of. I don’t know how I ended up here, but the sooner I admit the truth of the turmoil inside me – maybe it will stop.
Now don’t get all. “Oh my God, you wanna kill yourself!” I didn’t say that. I said I HATE MY LIFE!
I do. I hate the fact that I lost two kids before I got these two kids. I hate the fact that my kids BOTH MY KIDS have all these effin weird assed special needs. I hate the fact that I had to have an abortion after all that I went through. I hate the fact that my ex turned out to be a MAGNIFICENT disappointment, and continues on that route day in and day out. I hate the fact that he doesn’t help to support his special needs kids in any way shape or form. I hate that my ex inlaws think that they can tell me what to do with and about my kids. I hate that my parents do NOT get the fact that my kid has autism and is differently than just “some bratty kid that doesn’t want to brush his teeth!” I hate the fact that my brothers and I don’t talk. I hate the fact that I couldn’t attend my nephews wedding. I hate the fact that my two best friends live on the OTHER SIDE of the country. I hate that I am lazy. I hate that I am so undisciplined. I hate that I have no time. I hate that I’m so tired ALL THE TIME. I hate that I am so far in debt I may have to claim bankruptcy. I hate the fact that there is no easy way out for me. I hate that my parents didn’t make me exercise as a kid. I hate the fact that the feel of sweat dripping down my body grossed me out to a level I never knew existed. I hate that many people who say are my “friends” are simply just colleagues or acquaintances. I hate the fact that I the man I just want to have mad passionate sex with is married. I Hate that the IUD I paid a fortune to get in has BARELY been used. I hate that I had to run to the store tonight because I had nothing in my house to make for dinner. I hate the fact that I still think of a past love that left me as much as I do. I hate the fact that I started to think putting food delivery on my credit card was the end all be all response for my “issues.” I hate the fact that I struggle so much with my faith. I hate that I do NOT understand the Bible better. I hate the fact that I try to talk to Jesus and he never responds. I hate that I don’t see a future in my future. I hate the fact that I can’t drink anymore. I hate that I have lost who I am. I hate that something as easy as taking a shower is so difficult. I hate that I am in so much pain all day, every day. I hate that no one can SEE the pain that I feel all day every day. I hate the fact that I can’t even BEGIN to tell you all that I hate about my job. I hate the traffic I have to deal with in this town every day. I hate our government. I hate our president. I hate all the me. Who think it’s ok to just whip their penis out when they are alone ina room with a woman. I hate the fact that I actually had the though, why NOT #MeToo What’s wrong with ME? I hate the color of my hair. I hate that I am addicted to Diet Coke and these incredibly delicious yet salty Amy flower seeds. I hate that my kid is sick again. I hate that she has to deal with epilepsy now. I hate that the meds are so hard to get just right. I hate that the farmers market guy didn’t have all my basil I needed. I hate that I have to listen to YouTube blah blah blah after youtube blah blah blah. I hate that one chicks voice that my daughter listens to. No grown woman should sound like that. I hate that I had to put the boot back on today. I hate that everything is so fucking expensive now. I hate that I have no where to turn. I hate that I hate so damned much in my life.
So yeah. I hate my life. This is so NOT where I thought I would be at 48+years old.
No. I didn’t proof read what I wrote. I just HAD to get that out.
I HATE MY LIFE